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January 5, 2025

Thoughts on using the bathroom

Go Piss Girl

Sarah McBride, the first openly trans congresswoman, was recently sworn in. Before she even took office, her right to use the women’s bathroom in her workplace was threatened by another member of congress. In light of this, and many other impending threats to trans rights in the years to come, I want to share my unfiltered perspective on what it’s like to use the bathroom as a trans woman.

I’m not claiming this is how all trans people feel—it’s specifically my experience. And I’m well aware that the only reason this topic is even considered controversial is because it’s propped up by scapegoating and fabricated red herrings. I’m not writing to pile onto that conversation or keep fueling political distraction, but to let you know how scary it is to take a shit as a tgirl in 2025. Because I’m cursed to think about this shit all the damn time.

…

When I first started to medically transition, that is, to take estrogen, I knew it would be a long while before physical changes started to settle in. I’d come to terms with my own gender identity, but it was yet to match how I appeared to others externally. I could alter my wardrobe to be more feminine, but I never felt I looked quite right—I didn’t want to come across as a crossdresser (Often a self-identified man dressing as a woman). I’m not sure when I started using the women’s restroom, but at some point I knew I’d have to. Early transition is full of disconcerting gray-areas. When would I appear woman enough or trans enough to earn my place in the proper public toilet?

There’s unfounded hysteria around the possibility of trans women harming cis women in public bathrooms, but not only is that exceedingly rare (If not nonexistent!), the opposite threat is far more realistic (If not ever-present). From early on until now, almost three years in, I’ve worried about being judged for not being in the proper space—for making others feel uncomfortable, when quizzically I am the one who is overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

Before even entering the bathroom, I’m afraid someone will catch a glimpse of something manly about me, perhaps hear my voice, and try to direct me to the men’s. It just happened recently. I was dressed entirely fem, out somewhere with my boyfriend, and asked for the bathroom code. When I tried to input the code and it kept beeping incorrect, an employee blushed and gave the code to the women’s. I don’t blame them for making a subconscious assumption, but damn it hurts. Such an occurrence could be dangerous in a place less generally accepting than San Francisco. And this was a single-stall bathroom, where I wouldn’t even have to worry about others once inside.

When it comes to multi-stall facilities, I always feel like I’m intruding. I tell myself that people are there to do their private business and no one cares about me, but I still don’t want to be found out. Or if people have already decided I’m not cis, I want to set a good example for other trans women by staying completely in my lane and not inadvertently spooking anyone in any way. I don’t make eye contact. I try to shift my face away in the mirror and hide behind my hair. Sometimes I reapply lipstick to assure others that I didn’t walk into the wrong place. I never dare speak, and I never stay a second more than I have to.

Even in the supposed safety of a stall, I’m worried I’ll be discovered. Someone will spy dick through the gap between the door. My pee stream will sound unnatural, even though I’m sitting down. My feet will face the wrong direction for a split second too long. Any number of hyper-specific, subconsciously gendered actions could be misinterpreted and throw someone off. And even if I manage to follow all the scripts, like a dog can smell fear, I’ll be unmasked for simply feeling unwelcome, and that internal discomfort will be read and acted upon.

Then comes the what-ifs. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’ve heard stories. What happens if someone has a problem with me in the bathroom? Do I stand up for myself? Do I apologize for causing them to feel threatened? Play dumb? Quickly walk out?

There’s no avoiding any of this. I haven’t used the men’s bathroom for years, and I can’t imagine how awkward I’d feel in there if I was ever forced to use it. It simply would not be right. In more conservative states I’ve hesitated before choosing a bathroom at, say, a gas station. Maybe in the future there will be legal consequences for choosing a bathroom on federal property. My identification documents all say I’m a woman, so I’m legally acknowledged, but there’s policy up for adoption with language around “biological sex”, “birth sex”, etc. How far would someone go to dig up personal information about me or any other trans person that might fit their definitions of sex and gender? Could there be future genital inspections? What would happen if I got a pussy?

There’s far more to say about all this, and a lot that’s already been said. I’ll share some links for further reading below. Hope you learned something new, gained a bit of empathy, and/or this resonates in a way that makes you feel less alone. Stay safe out there, and go piss girl.

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