January 12, 2024

To Tim

Hey pal, how’s it going out there? Too soon, my friend.

I imagine you uncoupled from your earthly body, a hovering aura free to explore the universe at whichever speed you choose, no-clipping through any and every element, a light among lights traveling lightyears at a time and always finding your way back home.

I imagine you showing up to our work call, hearing us talk about you. First shifting awkwardly, finding words. Then muttering niceties, rolling small tears almost imperceptible on the screen. Then remembering your smile and your bluntness and your sheer glimmering charm and laughing in the spirit of the way you made us all laugh at the absurdities of life. And then you’d realize you were on a work call and realize you were free, forever, from all responsibility and could just exist and you’d fuck off to sit on the surface of the sun and then explore other planets and do somersaults in the clouds back on earth and jettison your spirit to the depths of the sea and out the other side of the planet, first stopping at the core to feel what it’s like to be at the axis of everything you knew and then getting a little dizzy and floating blissfully back to the bay to wrap your light around your children and spook your cat from rest and radiate around your wife with an indescribably palpable warmth that exists in the memory of you but also in the realm where you now exist, somewhere beyond memory, in eternity.

You’re only a week or so into your new form and I know you’re absolutely killin’ it. Having a ball of a time, like you always knew how to here, even with gravity in full effect. Even in the doldrums of endless designs, you relished in the opportunity to design your own days with impunity. Which is the ultimate lesson you left with me—every day matters. Good or bad, and most often both. You knew how to step off the stage of life and poke fun at the play fumbling along with its ever-evolving script, no one privy to the ensuing lines.

Some people in life pass you by, and others, no matter how small a part they played, stick around. The true characters. The faces and voices and names and bodies and personalities of folks that crop up when you think of one or another thing and all of a sudden, there they are in your head. You’ve managed to wedge yourself somewhere in my mind, Tim, and though our interactions were brief, they were all the more impactful. I had a sense though didn’t fully realize at the time… we shared coconuts. You were always the guy I could split a coconut with in our little video chat mirages that would materialize in the lonely desert of our remote worlds. Sure, there were others, but they were trying to trudge ahead in the sand. And I could always stop and sit on a fallen palm with you and feel the cool that might’ve not actually been there but was there in our minds and it needn’t be said and we were both okay with that. And I have a sense you made that mirage a reality for others, too, which is a magical power to have here on earth. You were a magical being, and I’d feel stupid saying that to you when you were here, or maybe I could in jest while really meaning it, but it’s too late now. I don’t need to tell you. You know it. You’re out there flying across time and space.

You have unlimited time now, so I hope you’ll take a few minutes to read this. I didn’t get to say goodbye and wanted some closure, so thought I’d speculate a bit on what it’s like to have your newfound spectral abilities. Miss you, Tim. More than I could have imagined, which is almost insulting to say but it’s true. We didn’t know each other that well. But I knew you enough to know for absolute certain that you have a kind, kind heart. Your light is ever present. Take care, buddy. Enjoy everything to come. See you when I see you.

December 31, 2023

April Dorothy

Is me now. Hell yeah.

December 26, 2023

Overdue hellos

Hello friends! Life has been happening a lot recently and I’ve left many of you in various states of abandonment. I’m no ghost, and this is an attempt to reconcile my radio silence during holiday break after unraveling a helluva lot of burnout.

I was sifting through old papers and found a list of epigrams I’d written years ago dedicated to long lost acquaintances. Stealing from yourdictionary.com, epigrams:

…have a very broad definition. What one person considers an epigram, another may consider an elegy, poem, or perhaps even a song. The most basic definition of an epigram is a brief, clever, and memorable statement. Some of them are formulated with satirical purposes in mind, and others are purposely meant to be confusing.

And so, without further ado, please find your epigram below…

Oh, and if you’re wondering what I’ve been up to, I wrote a little recap of the past year here. Please excuse any tinge of underlying dread—I was a bit of a sadgirl that day.

Reminiscing on chicken—what Katya and I affectionately call Gikken. I spy your new site. Wish Affe had worked out, though I likely couldn’t afford one, let alone the NFT. Still dreaming of a return to EU where we can grab a beer in Berlin.

Was reorganizing a bookshelf when I came across the comic book I bought in Ghent in that fantastical place by the river where we swapped pawns. Another fond memory of the boat bar. あなたの夢の日本でのキャリアは見つかりましたか。

How are your cross-state rendezvous? Come catch sun in CA—would be lovely to tour LA with you! In the midst of brain research? Mom find love? Pups since Coco? Our time in NYC was too short.

Got your Italian postcard, haven’t responded, wish I were there! Impress me with your Portuguese. I’ve eschewed vertical climbs for mountainous slogs. Eyes on Orizaba this coming year. Sending well wishes to your family in UA.

Infinite phone tag! Haven’t gotten to congratulate your marriage—will save excitement and stories for our eventual audio interference. Our last meet in Lititz was eons ago. The oldest flame in this list. Kippis!

My Moto skills in Bali were abysmal, but now I’ve got a 650 twin engine and could barrel us across the island. KEVRI alive and well? I still wear those $0.001 pants from the crowded market. Missing my eastern home. You dream of Kuala Lumpur?

Your sent songs spark sweet sadness. Miss your laughter. Our drunken dialogues on the iron horse. May your inspiration live ever on. Staying safe? Wherever you are, I know you’re keeping the place warm with words and unbridled cheer.

Though we’ve drifted, I often daydream of our disk days on the mall. Professor Smith yet? Wonder which records you’ve scratched this holiday season. Miss late night study banter. Need a roomie reunion… meet us in the bay.

Just caught you on the telephone. Cut short. An abridged slideshow of years past rehearsed in an instant. Time’s a funny thing. You reminded me spending time with yourself is okay. A peaceful emergence from solitude worth the painful patience.

Yesterday, France. Tomorrow, the moon? More likely Korea. Went snowboarding recently and still the best time I’ve slid slopes was with you. All of life still a stage? Marveling at your career. Send love to Elisa. Your magnet’s on the fridge.

Perennial penpal, your last letter’s unread but not forgotten. I selfishly unselfishly await proper time to respond. Haven’t been to campus since graduation. Returning would be romantic—and make me feel old. Sending all the goodness in the world.

And because you asked:

Writing to the closest as if from afar. Thankful distance is no longer in our vocabulary. Writing across like Lviv Chocolate. Both softer with time. Awaiting all that’s yet to discover. The greatest novelty, your constant comfort. Mosht.